Care vs. “Normal Violence”


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#MeToo, the Parkland shooting, and the Trump presidency overall have put America in a vulnerable cultural moment: we are exposing and confronting the violence deeply ingrained in our culture. This is an old conversation resurfacing in new forms. Americans have been publicly grappling with the violence we induce on each other and other nations since before the slavery-abolition movement. More recently, foreign wars and racist police brutality have taken front and center. The fact that we are violent is not news.

But maybe we have reached a tipping point. #MeToo, originally started in 2006 by Tarana Burke , provided an outlet for survivors to raise their voices, show their numbers, and seek accountability Amazingly, the movement was met with some real actions and consequences for perpetrators.

Seeing sexual assault as an issue on the front of the American mind is comforting in the wake of Trump’s victory as president, despite his championing of nonconsensual behaviors. Like most people I know who’ve been socialized as female, I myself am a survivor of sexual assault. This moment of talking back to the violent beliefs of the president and our cultural norms has been cathartic for me. Peeling back the layers of silence to show just how common sexual assault truly is feels like a breath of fresh air. Finally, people understand and believe me. Finally, we are growing wary and suspicious of men in power.

Girls lean on each other & care for each other

Meanwhile, the shooting in Parkland shines another spotlight on the violent underbelly of American culture. The Never Again Movement, led by Parkland students, has sparked a push for gun control and attracted new waves of conservative backlash. Americans are recognizing that the most threatening terrorists in the U.S. are white men. We are, finally, publicly discussing the fact that white men have a violence problem.

In the Trump era, this is really not a surprise. From the moment he stepped on the campaign trail, Trump has personified the hateful and violent ethics of modern American conservatism. While many were shocked that he won the presidency, others – womxn and people of color who come into daily contact with instances of racial and gender-based violence – were not surprised. This moment of confronting our own violence brings to the forefront facts about our culture some of us have already known for a long time. The fact that we’re finally bringing it into collective conversations, is what makes this time important.

Recognizing America has a violence issue – racial violence, sexual/gender-based violence, institutionalized violence (let’s not forget, we are the world’s largest jailer and have the largest military), gun violence – is the first step in fixing the problem. It’s important that people discuss this, that this is becoming a common site of discussion and thought in the American public. But where do we go from here?

Of course we must stand up against what is wrong, and #MeToo, Time’s Up, and Never Again are examples of that. We must stand against opportunistic misogynists and AR-15 carriers, the NRA-backed politicians, the prison industrial complex profiteers, and other groups and individuals who carry out violence.  But we must also defeat the violent cultural narratives and beliefs these behaviors come from. These include whiteness and white supremacy, rape culture, misogyny and toxic masculinity, and conservative beliefs normalizing violence and punishment (what George Lakoff calls the strict parent model of government).

12 principles for a feminist economy to promote care

How do we do that? We study those narratives, find where we replicate them in our own lives and social formations, root them out, and create our own counter-narratives.

The opposite of violence is care and nurturance. Nora Samaran makes this point very clear in her piece, “The Opposite of Rape Culture is Nurturance Culture” when she writes, “Violence is nurturance turned backwards.” She suggests that men teach each other skills of nurturance and discuss how to overcome dominant behavior, and that this must happen in order to break down masculinity.

Her suggestions are just one example of how care and nurturance can act as an antidote to violence in American culture. Black Lives Matter founders Alicia Garza, Patrice Cullors, and Opal Tometi put forth the Guiding Principles for BLM which include calls for “Restorative Justice… Empathy, [and] Loving Engagement.” Their focus recognizes that care and compassion stand in stark opposition to the violence and oppression Black people face. Sophie Macklin discusses reshaping the economy to move away from the profit motive, and towards an ethic of care. Jennifer Armbrust makes similar points with her Proposal for a Feminist Economy project.

These are just a few examples of the discourse around creating a new care-centered narrative to replace our violent cultural ideas and beliefs. Our next step is to launch this discourse into the mainstream, and have it re-shape everything from public policy to interpersonal relationships. Free public healthcare, basic universal income, gun control and spending more on public education than we do on our military are all steps we can take to eliminate violence. Adapting our ideas of self care, valuing our relationships with others, and pushing for consent, communication, boundaries, and pleasure are ways we can retrofit our relationships to reduce violent dynamics and encourage nurturing interactions.

We as a society need to work toward deeply valuing care in all its forms. We must hold care over violence in every public and private space and practice. This means believing survivors and creating safer workplaces and relationships. This means valuing student lives over gun rights. This is how we make something better out of what we have now. Just imagine it; care, the next frontier.

Love,

Madeleine

I strongly encourage you to check out the links to the various ideas mentioned above if this article is interesting to you! Nora Samaran’s whole blog is really awesome, and these podcasts with Sophie Macklin are also great. Revisioning Men’s Lives: Gender, Intimacy, and Power (free download link) by Terry Allen Kupers is an older source, but the first book I read written by a man on how to overthrow masculinity, and I enjoyed it. I also think the Good Men Project and Radical Mascs are good resources! 

Images: Teen Vogue, The Feminist Griote, Jennifer Armbrust

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